Hollywood, you do strange things to us off-roaders. You give us the balls-to-the-wall Mad Max: Fury Road, and even throw in a fun little off-road chase scene in Guy Ritchie’s The Man From U.N.C.L.E. We start warming to you, thinking that you’ve finally understood what we’re all about and what we’ll pay to see in the theaters.

Okay, hucking trucks, I’m on board so far…

But this? THIS!?!? This is an assault on the senses. Monster Trucks, a forthcoming release from Paramount Pictures, will premiere in January of next year, but I wish that wasn’t the case. We first heard about the film back in May of 2014, the trailer was just released this week, and I’m deconstructing it to see what, if anything, is worth saving.

The premise is simple enough: high school dude, works on trucks in a junkyard, wants to build his own monster truck. He hears noises one night that turn out to be an unknown life form; blob-like and waterborne, it finds refuge in the dude’s dilapidated truck and… yeah, it’s now a “monster truck.” There’s the joke, hope you’re happy. There’s even a line in the trailer that really emphasizes this surprise: “The monster is in the truck!”

The life form’s tentacles appear to be how the truck is controlled, whether it’s accelerating, stopping, or steering. It also has other family members that infuse themselves into other trucks, and we now have a gaggle of these four-wheeled abominations rolling around and inevitably conquering the “bad guys” who really want the life forms for themselves. Did I mention all of this is being depicted using crappy CGI? Because it is.

Oh hell no. Selfies? With the monster? Make it stop!!

Look, I don’t like to blast something before I know exactly what it is, but I’m pretty sure I can call an audible on this movie and say it’s going to suck. First and foremost is the release date in January. January is one of the four “dump months” (the others being February, August, and September) used by Hollywood to off-load whatever schlock it has saved up, the stinkers and bombs that won’t do well any other time of the year, but they have to make back at least some portion of the costs they incurred.

Famous faces like Danny Glover, Thomas Lennon, and Rob Lowe are in the cast, but will it matter? Not really. The comedy looks bad, the trucks look okay, the acting looks stiff, and the story looks bland if somewhat inspired and “original,” for whatever that’s worth. Monster Trucks, please prove me wrong and be great. Otherwise, I’ll just stay home and watch some off-road GoPro footage on YouTube or something…

I get what they’re trying to do with this movie. But the key word here is “trying.” As in, trying my patience.